The most cliched horror movie known to man
The atmosphere was ambiguously spooky. A cute little kid started to hear voices, because we need some semblance of a motive here, and murdered every person in his home. Then he died and became a ghost, because everyone is still scared of ghosts. Twenty years later, a gaggle of teenage girls and a single teenage boy travel to the middle of nowhere and rent a house in the woods. One girl, Eve, warned them that something strange and ambiguously spooky was in those woods, but no one listened so they moved in anyway. But little did they know that the ghost of the murderous cute-looking child still remained. That very night, the lights began to flicker on and off on their own. Only Eve and the guy, let’s call him Bob, noticed, because this is a horror movie and everyone is criminally stupid. There seemed to be the sound of
footsteps as well throughout the house. Bob decided to call the people who told the gaggle of teenagers about the house, but to his horror, he discovered that his phone had no signal! He ran into another room and asked Stacy the Ditzy Promiscuous Cheerleader who Definitely is not Going to Die to check her phone,
but her phone didn’t work either!
“Let’s get out of here!” shouted Bob, clinging to the single brain cell he had inside his skull. But everyone laughed at him because obviously he was imagining things and they shouldn’t bother listening to him despite the lights that were flickering on and off literally minutes ago. So they all just remained silent and sat in the room. Then, suddenly, a terrifying figure burst from their left at the speed of light and they all screamed, but lo and behold, it was a cat.
But wait! How did a cat get there?
Shut up.
They all went back to sleep. Early in the morning, another girl, named Betsy, got up and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. All the lights were still off, but she didn’t care, so she seized her toothbrush and looked in the mirror. But her reflection started to move! In horror, she screamed, but the scary thing in the mirror morphed into a little blond boy with pale skin and glowing red eyes. Her screams woke up her friend Tasha, who crept into the hallway, hoping to hear Betsy say she was fine. But unfortunately, all she heard was the voice of a young child slowly singing a nursery rhyme no one actually cares about. She didn’t catch most of the words, but “I’m coming for you” was in there somewhere. Using her intelligence and common sense to their utmost potential, she ran right towards the noise and saw Betsy lying on the bathroom floor, shivering. “Are you okay, Betsy?”
The other girl turned around to reveal glowing red eyes.
“I’m not Betsy anymore, dear.”
Tasha screamed and started to run down the hallway, but she tripped on a speck of dust and fell on her face. As Betsy walked at the whopping speed of 1 MPH, Tasha struggled to keep on forward, her teenagerly womanly hormones obviously getting in the way of her survival. Then she tripped on a rock that was once stuck to someone’s shoe and lay there like a flattened pancake for two seconds before Betsy/the Cute Innocent Child caught up with her. RIP Tasha.
Stacy and Bob were lying in the room they slept in, engaging in the process of human reproduction and courtship. Bob was using all of the drugs they warned you about in school. There was a knock on the door. “Let me in,” whispered Betsy.
“What do you need?” asked Bob.
“Things which you shall never understand, dear.”
“She sounds normal! Just turn the dial to the left and come in!” shouted Bob as he and Stacy continued engaging in the process of human reproduction. Betsy did as she was told and opened the door with her eyes closed, then walked over to the couple. Their screams echoed throughout the hallway.
RIP Bob and Stacy.
At the time, Eve was sitting in the living room with two identical twins, Ophelia and Jane. When they heard the screams, they tried to rush upstairs, as they finally suspected that something was terribly wrong and it wasn’t just Tasha screwing with them. This is why we can’t have nice things, Tasha. Oh right, you’re dead. But before the girls could make it up, Betsy ran down the stairs crying and ranting about how she had just been possessed by the ghost of a murderous child. Everyone started screaming wildly, and they all began to feel the ghost child’s presence among them. “What should we do?” asked Eve.
“Split up!” said Jane.
“Good idea!” Ophelia exclaimed. So they all split up and ran in opposite directions. Jane went out into the woods and jumped into the car, hoping to drive to safety, but the car wouldn’t start. Terrified, she looked into a nook in the car, like the ones where you store stuff, and found a knife, but the knife wouldn’t start. Then she finally found a loaded gun, but the gun wouldn’t shoot, and also the kid was a ghost. RIP Jane.
The rest of them found the error of their ways and rejoined in the living room, all of them knowing in their gut that Jane was no more. But alas, the television began to show static, and the ghost boy broke the fourth wall. “What do you want?!” screamed Ophelia. “What’s your motive, child?”
''“I’m insane,”'' he whispered, ''“and mental illness is scary you guyz.”''
All three of them screamed in unison. Then Eve grabbed a box that said Ghost Evaporator,
because that’s just something normal people keep in their houses. Betsy leapt at the ghost, but she died. RIP Betsy.
Then Ophelia and Eve ran to the basement attempting to communicate, but the creaking stairs were so loud that they couldn’t hear each other. Then Eve heard a shriek. It was Ophelia, being tackled to the ground somehow by a ghost that is also a child. Eve, in fury, opened the Ghost Evaporator and evaporated the ghost, who she had kept at bay through the power of her virginity. Then she walked out calmly, got into the car, which somehow started this time, and drove away out of the woods. But behold, and despair! The ghost evaporator was but temporary! For a ghastly eye opened and appeared in thin air, right there on the basement steps! The Ghost Child lives!
And then zombies, because this is America.
This is a true story, people. It’s proven because the shaky-cam looks like it was being tossed around by ocean waves in a tropical storm. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.